This page was created by Goshawk for the purposes of reporting the exploits of the EAW challenge ladder pilots. Stories and messages posted here were written by various pilots on the ladder.
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M.A.S.H. 714th
[Medical tent for Dr.Bones]
Chris "Dr.Bones" vonSeggern
Royal Army Medical Corps
[Attending Physician]
With his loyal assistant to care for what ails you;
"WuWu"
Appointment to Flight Surgeon status by Goshawk:
Dr.Bones assigned as the new Flight Surgeon, and Base Psychiatrist. More,,
As such, he will be responsible for any necessary diagnosis of
potential or real psychic disorder among the pilots. He shall also provide the
necessary medication to avoid contagion from those unfortunates who dilly their dallies
too much with the dollies of London!
That is all.
An announcement from the surgeon:
In
Response To: Dr.Bones assigned as the new Flight Surgeon, and Base
Psychiatrist. More,,
"All right, gentlemen, listen up. There will be a few
changes in the area of base medical policy, and you'd all better get this the first time,
because they're effective immediately."
"First of all, I'd like to state for the record that there
is NO truth to the rumors about how I joined up to avoid legal action back home.
Mrs. Johnson's
complications have cleared up nicely, my relationship with Nurse Davis was purely a
professional one, and the issue regarding
my license was merely a misunderstanding.
So you can all rest easy in the knowledge that you're in competent hands.
Speaking of hands, the
twitch has almost completely gone away; good news for you blokes
who'll be needing surgery!"
"Second, any of you showing up for sick call better actually
be sick. I'll be sending the names of any fakers along to the ACSM, so you've been warned! And
you boys in the 609 can just forget about sick call right now; there's no
reason you can't fly with the clap! Yes, I've seen your files,
and I know all about the
unfortunate consequences of your last R&R rotation. Just keep taking your
medicine, and it'll clear up nicely.
Ask Goshawk; he knows."
"Third, the new shipment of prophylactics has finally
arrived, so feel free to pop in for a handful. Lord knows, some of you randy bastards can use
them."
"Fourth, and last, remember my door is always open if you
have any, ahem, issues you want to talk about. Don't worry, our conversations are
totally confidential. I hardly ever talk to those reporters anymore anyway."
Announcement from Goshawk:
Effective
immediately, a tent has been erected to assist our newly
appointed flight surgeon in performing his varied and sundry duties. His nurse,
"WuWu" has been hard at work preparing the facilities with fresh linens, towels, sponges, and
several boxes labeled "ACME S&M Toys, Trinkets, and Asst.Supplies".
I never knew that ACME made Surgical and Medical supplies. In any
event, the boxes have been unloaded at the medical tent.
Dr.Bones will begin his practice immediately.
Meridian_EAF92 responds immediately:
COUGH, COUGH, I feel a cold coming on, and I've always liked the little red S&M's, Oh S&M, are they new
Inquiry from Solar Arrow, Rescue Pilot and supervisor of KiKi, (Rescue Flight Nurse):
Hey Gos what is that
squished bug next to Dr. Bones callsign in the roster page???
Also , have you noticed how all the EAW women's names are
repetitions of monosyllables? like Ko-Ko, Ki-Ki, Wu-Wu???
That is the second step in speech
development in babies, are you trying to tell something to the pilots???
[Goshawk clears his throat] "Ah-hem" [and responds]:
"That's the RAMC
badge. And as far as the names go,,,,"
Communiqué smuggled in from the Reich:
"Dastardly
Anglanders, WuWu is screwing up NJG training (more)"
"Ever since you appointed WuWu as the new flight nurse, all
the NJG members have taken to unauthorized flights over the new RMAC Hospital
in an attempt to
showoff their flight skills to her. A few have even attempted to feign illness so that they can be
seen by her.
Freight Train is now flying around with her picture on his dash,
and has even contemplated going Brit on us.
You Dastardly Anglanders have GONE TOO FAR this time!!
I have talked to both Koko and Kiki, and they are also pretty
upset with all the fawning by all the pilots on the ladder over WuWu. They have even gone as far as
suggesting I organize a repeat of the raid in the Pacific!!!!
As I see it, the only alternative, maybe to go and liberate her
from RMAC, and bring her over to the NJG base at LeHavre. Unless you want a WAR on your hands, you
may have to do something to rectify the situation.
Memoirs from the Dr.'s desk:
It was another busy
morning in the base clinic. I pushed back the tent flap for a
look outside and swore. For the last few days, the lines for morning
sick call had been growing longer and longer. I was not often able to pin down the
specific maladies from which the pilots queuing up outside were suffering, and I
was beginning to suspect they were "exaggerating" their symptoms in the
hope of gaining a few moments alone with WuWu.
A faint puff of perfume preceded the click of six-inch heels on
the wooden floor as the new nurse herself swayed into my office. "So, Doctor,
when are you going to show me why they call you Dr. Bones?" Draping herself most
professionally across my desk, she purred in a deep, throaty, clinical voice, "I
just love this desk. I wonder what else it's good for?"
About to answer, I was cut off abruptly by a high-decibel stream
of profanity that could only have come from the ACSM. I looked outside, and there
he was, berating a hapless young rookie for something or other. Some things never
changed. "Later, my dear, we've got patients to see. Is your cousin
Helga from Bavaria still staying with you?"
"Helga the German Army nurse? Yes, she is. You don't' think
she's prettier than me, do you?"
"Good God no, woman. But we could use an extra hand. Do you
think she could come help out for a few days?"
"I'll ask. I'm sure she'd be glad to." With that, WuWu
sashayed out to the waiting room to get back to business. Helga was a damn scary sight to
see, but quite, well, efficient. Just the thing needed to return to a reasonable
schedule around here.
Nurse Helga arrives:
"Herr
Doctor, you haf asked for zis meetink? Vaht may I do to be off
zervice to zee men off zis base?"
Dr.Bones realizes that he may be able to get "all" of his needs fulfilled by these "ladies":
"Keep your grimy,
uncouth hands off my staff!"
"Gentlemen, it has been brought to my attention by a tearful
and hurt WuWu that most of you are not taking her seriously. She is a medical
professional, and any attempt to manhandle her or cop a feel will be looked upon most sternly,
believe me. I'm the only one who gets to do that,^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H I mean nobody
will be allowed to do that. As the mature, quiet, reserved adults I
expect you fighter pilots
to be, more gentlemanly standards of conduct should be the rule.
Need I say more?"
KiKi's comments:
"I don't know
what the fuss all about!!!!
What she is got that I aint got? I am 10
times more beautiful" : P
"And also have better taste in ties!!!!!"
Dr.Bones memoirs [meeting with Helga]:
"you haf asked
for zis meetink? Vaht may I do to be off zervice to zee men off zis base?"
I offered my hand to shake, then hastily withdrew it when Helga
just stared at it like it was a particularly offensive, yet harmless insect.
"Yes,
yes, glad you could come. Listen, we're really in a spot here, and I'm hoping you can help
out."
"Herr Doktor, I am a professional. Just be telling me vhat I
am to be doink."
I opened the tent flap and gestured outside at the long line of
malingerers waiting there in the hot sun. "You see those boys? Some of them are
legitimately ill, but most are just trying to get in to see your cousin Wuwu. Poor
girl, she's running herself ragged, and says she has a headache every night."
"I zee. And exactly vhat am I to do vis these not-sick
men?"
"Well, I'll leave that up to your professional judgment.
Personally, I'd give them a thorough examination. The last thing I want is for some poor boy
to be shot down because he was too sick to fly, and I wouldn't listen. So take a
good look. Hernia exam, the works. And don't forget the rectal exam. Spending hours
at a time in the pilot's seat seems to be conducive to hemorrhoids." I handed
over a box of Latex gloves. "Here, use these. What a shame, though, we're all
out of Vaseline. Guess you'll just have to do without."
"Zat
ist not a problem, Herr Doktor. In ze Great Var ve used to
perform !! rectal exams in ze field vis nothing more zophisticated zan a sharp
stick. And don't worry, Herr Doktor, I am nutting if not thorough."
With that, Helga pulled on a glove with a sharp SNAP and marched
off into the waiting room, shouting "NEXT!"
Four hours later, the line outside had miraculously disappeared.
I began to wonder, though, if there hadn't actually been something wrong with all
those boys. The ones I could see moving around the base seemed to be walking funny . . .
Goshawk's secret mission:
"What're we gonna tell him, Gos?? He's gonna have a bloody
hernia over this flap, he will!" spoke Wolf as
he paddled the raft from the front.
In the rear, Goshawk was thinking. Thinking hard. He had to come
up with something, and fast. The English coastline was looming
larger and larger ahead, and the AirCommandSgt.Major would be
wanting a full report of the cause for the downing of four
Spitfire fighters, should he find out about them. Two new XIVE's
and two older, yet still quite effective, IXC's found their final
resting spots at the bottom of the icy channel
waters by now. Maybe the ACSM wouldn't notice. Just maybe....
Intelligence reported the Werewule'z "Greywolf" and
"WileECoyote" spotted over the eastern coast of the
channel, and both Goshawk and Wolf were so eager to find and
destroy them, they had taken off without clearance. The shock at
seeing WileECoyote alive and again at the stick of a fast Germen
fighter filled the Brits with dread. Consequently, they were easy
prey for the practiced tactics of offsetting B&Z moves. The
desire to down these two had been so intense that they had
decided to take the fighters without clearance from the ACSM.
After losing the first two Spits and sneaking back for two more,
they were humbled at their inability to beat the
Germans and bring the planes back home.
Losing aircraft without "tasking orders" for a flight
was not acceptable!
"Hey, Wolf, I got an idea!", shouted Gos over the sound
of waves lapping against the rubber raft. "We gotta create a
diversion to get the aircraft inventory book from the ACSM's
desk!"
"Roger that!", replied the other Wing Commander.
"This better be good 'cause he's gonna boil us in oil and
use our residue for loo seat lubricant if he finds out."
By the time they returned to base, the sun had set and darkness
had fallen upon the field. Lights were out and most of the pilots
were sleeping. Goshawk and Wolf crept into their quarters and
began their search for the tools they would need to take care of
the discrepancy in the inventory book that would surely be
noticed at
morning inspection by the ACSM.
After several minutes of sneaky-pete'ing around their building,
they were sufficiently armed for the task at hand.
Belly-crawling to the ACSM's hut, they discovered the office
window conveniently open. Creeping up to the window, they were
able to hear a faint moaning from within, and upon entering
through the window, there was no mistaking the sounds.
[Skreeek-skreeeek-skreeeek-skreeeek]"OH YES, ZEES EES ZO
VONDERFUL, SARGEANT!!" came the cries of Helga from within
the next room.
Goshawk and Wolf, never ones to listen to such things, and both
totally shocked at the realization of what was happening inside,
hurried to their task. They must find the book.
After several minutes of searching, during interludes of
squeaking springs, several calls of "OUCH, that
hurts!", along with sounds of whips slashing air, Goshawk
located the inventory book on a small table next to the furnace.
On top of the book, Goshawk and Wolf placed the fruits of their
search from their quarters, and as they turned to leave, several
inches of open Hershey bars now lay atop the book, opened to the
"Plane Count" page. The last act involved Goshawk's
reaching and turning the temperature control of the furnace to
"HIGH". Both pilots returned to the protection of
darkness outside.
As the sun crest over the treetops and brought on a new day, the
temperature inside the ACSM's hut was sufficient to not only
allow the plane count to be totally "fudged" over, but
also enough that Helga's sharp accented shouts from earlier were
rendered to mere whisperings as she secretly left the hut and
headed furtively
back to the medical tent.
The base was back to business as usual.
Dr. Bones memoirs:
9/7, 1005 hours--
I've noticed something strange today. The atmosphere in the
clinic just seemed . . . looser, more relaxed. Couldn't put my finger on it at first, then
realized what it was. Helga. The Teutonic Terror was a terror no more, it seemed. There
was a spring in her step, a twinkle in her eye, and she actually . . . SMILED at
me as she bounced in the door for work this morning! At first I dismissed it, but when
she greeted her first case of the day with a friendly, compassionate "Gut morning,
Leutnant. How may I be helping you today?" instead of the usual, "Yes, vhat
ist botherink you? Out vith it!" I knew something was up. Now if I could just figure out
what it was . . .
My train of thought was again interrupted by the shrill
screamings of the ACSM outside the window. He was really in fine form this morning, but
I wasn't sure about quite what. Something about the plane inventory and chocolate
bars . . .
Comments from No609_OzZiggy:
What a laugh.... I just
read Doctor Bones exploits ... They are real good.. Keep it up,
mate .. Oh, by the way the base needs more zinc tablets.
And you guys of a medical background should know what that trace
element zinc is used for in a biological sense ...or did the good
doctor get his medical degree from the same place I got this
medal for participation at the battle of Umboato pass :).
Cheers, Oz
Ps: Bones keep up the great work .... And, um, I hear certain
types of tree bark are good for headaches (like the ones that ail
WuWu) so I told the blokes and they have gone off on what I can
only describe as a deforestation mission, lol.
Response from Goshawk:
"That explains the 10-yard pile of beauty bark by the dispensary!
Clarification and qualification by Dr. OzZiggy:
Zinc and bark what is
it used for
Zinc is an essential element in sperm production :).. In fact,
the old tooth past tubes were made of zinc, so the expression
"going home to chew on some toothpaste tubes" is common
in my circle of ex-army friends. lol"
Willow bark contains salicylic acid... Which is commonly called
"aspirin" or "dispirin".. It was where they
originally got it from... I am told the species name for the
willow tree is salicylis (my other half is a scientist too)
..hence the name salicylic acid ....
For those of you who dont get the "Umboato Pass"
reference (Goshawk especially),, go hire the "Blackadder
Goes Forth" videos comedy all about WWI trenches .. Very humorous in a dark sort of way.
Not to be outdone, Dr.Solar Arrow shares his concurrence:
"You are
right."
"Aspirin....."
Goshawk's response to the medicinal classes:
"Personally, I
think there's another remedy!"
Having been married twice, and currently in my second blissful
union, I believe that there's something even more effective than
"aspirin" to cure that ol' "Not tonight, dear! I
have a headache!" syndrome.
"Sex!"
Never in all my 50 years has a female told me "after"
the fact that they had a headache. Never! (Although some have
told me before) :-)
Hope this is of tremendous benefit to those of lesser experience
and qualification. Feel free to expouse this theory to those new
wives and such whenever the malady occurs. Besides, it's a lot
more sightly than wood chips slivers in the teeth, or funny white
patches on the nose and chin.
Just another friendly fatherly bit of sage advice from your
administrator. Any questions? Very well! That is all!
Announcement from the good Doctor!:
Hey, you! Shut your trap!
In Response To: Personally, I think there's another remedy!
More,, ("Goshawk")
I'll thank you *not* to dispense medical advice without proper
qualification within
spitting distance of my clinic! The last thing I need is to have
to treat this bunch of
louts for multiple cases of God-knows-what because "Goshawk
said holly berries
were an aphrodisiac" or "Goshawk says eating raw beef
is good for my reflexes,"
or some rubbish. Do you hear me?
And for the rest of you, I've said it before, leave my damn staff
alone! This latest
round of harassment of my poor WuWu has gone too far. When I find
the joker who
sent her a box of chocolate-covered bark, he's going to find out
for himself how
much fun it his to have slivers in his gums. That is all.
Taipan's dilemna:
"I still think we
should be checking it, just to be sure", mentioned Goshawk to Dr.Bones.
"That's a pile o' baloney, Gos", the good doctor
complained. "You know that he's just tryin to get checked again by WuWu, and she's got
better
things t' do than stare at Taipan's locked up extended
appendage".
"Can't she check it out by manipulation or something?"
asked the Wing Commander. "He's said in his sick-call memo that it hurts
bad, and won't
bend anymore. It's gotta be something serious, fer chrissake.
Have you even looked at it, doc?"
Dr.Bones was fuming! Ever since WuWu's arrival, the boys at the
field have checked in almost daily with every conceivable malady
imaginable.
He was tired of perusing the sick-call chit complaints.
"Jeezuz, Gos, you can't imagine the crud I've had to deal
with", picking up a stack of memos he thumbed through them.
"Listen to these, Goshawk! Just listen for crying out
loud!" He began to read, casting aside the ones he read from as he finished. The
sheets
fluttered to the floor like leaves as he spoke.
"Diddle Do Disease"
"Balls o'Fire"
"Cranial Insertion Deficiency"
"Missin' Mum's Mams, can you guess who that one's from, Gos?" "Here, this is Taipan's." He held out the white slip to
the side to get
good lighting on it. "My pinkie's been straight and locked
so long, it aches. Can't bend it anymore. Can you help me relax it a
bit?"
The papers continued to fall, as Goshawk interrupted, "Have
you looked at him, doc? Have you checked him out yourself?"
"Christ no, I haven't had time to stare at Taipan's
"pinkie"! I have my own medical problems to deal with and you promised that as soon
as my
nurse showed, she'd be able to deal with my needs first. You
promised!!"
Goshawk saw that he was in a difficult situation. Furthermore, he
had not expected his own sick-call memo to be used against him when he
passed it
on to WuWu in the mess line.
"OK, doc, tell ya what, I'll fly with him, and if he's got a
valid complaint, you gotta promise to check him out, ok?"
"OK, Gos, but I do the checkin' of that bloke, I don't want
him anywhere near my nurse with that complaint of his. She's startin' to lose
her focus
on real medical issues."
Goshawk turned and left the mash tent. He headed to Taipan's
hangar.
As he arrived, Taipan was in his Spit, engine running. "Doc
says ya gotta fly it, Taipan. I'll be checkin' you out, though, and if you do
less than
your usual, I'll ask him to ground you and put you in the
infirmary."
"Right, boss!", yelled the pilot over the din of the
Merlin. He signaled for the chocks to be jerked, and pushed full on the throttle. As
the Spit
began its roll out, Goshawk climbed aboard his own.
Soon, both birds of prey were coursing their way into the
sparsely clouded sky, leaving the white cliffs behind as they clawed for altitude.
Taipan merged with Goshawk in a fast diving pattern, spending a
stream of cannon rounds at Goshawk's bird in doing so. Goshawk pulled hard
and looped over, catching Taipan at a slow climb and away. As Goshawk turned
into the propwash of Taipan's bird, Taipan tried to turn away. His engine
was quickly smoked by the cannon rounds from Gos' Spit.
"Hmmm, if he does that again, I'll call this match and put
him on recoup duties", thought Goshawk. "He's a better turner than
that!"
As Goshawk returned to base, he did his customary victory roll
over the field, much to the delight of KoKo, waiting at the door to his hut. Gos
landed, and waited for Taipan to return.
As Taipan stepped from Solar Arrow's walrus, he waved KiKi off,
yelling "No time for that!". He strode straight to his hangar where a
Typhoon was waiting. As Goshawk ran toward the hangar to check on Taipan, he was off
again.
Goshawk followed close behind, and after reaching altitude, Gos
again downed the snake after a less-than-adequate turning performance by
Taipan.
Taipan again took off from the field before Goshawk could check
the complaint out, and he decided to finish the match. Both pilots took to
Tempests this time, and in a similar situation to the other rounds, Taipan was downed
by a faster turning Goshawk.
As the walrus landed with Taipan in it the third time, Goshawk
met Taipan as he stepped from the plane.
"Show me that appendage, Taipan. This better be good!"
Taipan held the swollen rod-straight "pinkie" out in
Goshawk's direction. Goshawk, upon looking quickly at it, then turning away, ordered
Taipan
to sick-call.
"Tell the doc I said you're grounded 'til that gets
fixed!"
Taipan turned to head to the mash tent.
Terrific match, Taipan, considerin' the physiological dilemma you
were flying under! I'm amazed that that thing didn't get in your way more
while
you were flying. Hope the swelling goes away son. Doesn't that
hurt???
[Salute]
Dr. Bones report on Taipan's condition:
"Grounded! No man can fly in that condition!"
I'd just finished
seeing Taipan as promised when WuWu swayed in, coming back from lunch a bit early. "Wasn't that Taipan I saw leaving
just now?"
"Yes, it was, and he's in quite a state. That extended
member of his is simply frightful."
I thought I was going
to *die* from embarassment."
[rimshot]
Taipan's request for recouperatory leave:
Sir!.
My compliments to you.
Due to my swollen member, I would like to request a temporary
transfer to N. Africa as I have been advised that the swollen member which I now suffer from will heal
more rapidly if it is kept from getting damp and hot. Further the
N. African desert is reported to be hot and dry which for some swollen members can be devastating.
However, given my swollen members moisture I am lead to believe
that allowing my swollen member to rest in the hot dry climate will allow a quick
return to the daily grind!.
Your obedient servant
Flt. Lt. J. Taipan
Dr.Bones' reply:
A great idea! Make an
appointment w/Helga for your pre-departure checkup
In Response To: REQUEST FOR MEDICAL TRANSFER TO N. AFRICA.
(Taipan)
[Excerpt from base surgeon's report to commanding officer re:
Medical status of
one Lt. Taipan]
It is furthermore my medical opinion that Lt. Taipan is badly in
need of some time in a desert climate. The heat, dryness and scarcity of female
companionship will do much to aid the healing of the aforementioned inflamed member. In
many such cases, the attentions of a young woman are exactly what is
needed. However, in Taipan's case, the presence of nubile young females seems merely
to aggravate the condition.
I should reiterate that I am at present still unable to find the
reason for Taipan's discomfort. There is no obvious trauma or infection, yet the
digit continues to be stiff, swollen and sore. These symptoms are most consistent with
what we call repetitive-stress disorders, such as "tennis elbow,"
yet I can fathom no activity which would lead to such an effect upon the digits of the right
hand. It is, therefore, my recommendation that the Lieutenant be allowed a short period
of R&R in the high desert of North Africa in order to regain his health.
Respectfully,
Flt. Lieutenant Dr. Bones
Base Surgeon
Dr. Bones' sick-call report:
WuWu stepped back a
pace, crossed her arms and assumed that pouty look that drove all the lads crazy. "Doctor, you just can't fly with
that thumb like that. You know how worried Helga gets about you."
"Come on, WuWu, it's just a scratch." I knew that was a
slight exaggeration, but what could I do?
"Zat ist not merely a scratch, Herr Doktor." I jumped
about six inches at Helga's voice suddenly issuing from behind me. "You alvays haff to
learn ze hard vay, no? Alvays cut AVAY from yourself ven using ze scalpel!"
"All right, all right, ladies. I'll ground myself until it's
healed." No sooner had the words left my lips than I realized that by that time, I'd be well
into the annual Base Doctor's Conference and Surgery for Dummies seminar, and have
little time for flight duty. Not to mention those nagging problems with my
Spitfire. For some reason all the controls had been lagging far behind my inputs of
late, making it nearly impossible to fight the plane. The mechanics hadn't yet
been able to figure that one out, but until they did, combat was out of the question.
Got no choice but to ground myself for a couple weeks, gentlemen.
I've got a heavily bandaged thumb, severe lag that my ISP isn't very helpful with,
and a SQL class taking up most of my free time. I'll return to flight duty in a
couple weeks when it all calms down.
Goshawk's initial response:
"Does this mean that the nurses are going to be sitting around on idle thumbs? Oh good Lord!!"
Then, realizing that a statement must be made to the troops, he advises:
INVESTIGATION REPORT: Appendage maladies approaching epidemic proportions!
"Gentlemen, [ah-hem] gentlemen,
It has come to my attention that we have suffered the untimely
loss of two good pilots to various difficulties dealing with
swollen and locked appendages.
The exact cause of these complications is not known at this time,
however, a thorough investigation will be forthcoming.
Until such time as a determination of causage, and a resulting
conclusory evaluations completed to reduce future swelling of
memberships, please avoid contact either directly or indirectly
with WuWu or Nurse Helga until further notice.
We wish the good Doctor Bones well, as well as Taipan. May their
digits return to normal proportions soon so that we may return to
normal sick-call functions.
Hurry and heal gentlemen!
That is all!
Dr. Bones' return:
Returning to duty
Posted By: Dr. Bones <cvons@nwlink.com> (gateway.bfg.com)
Date: Tuesday, 26 October 1999, at 5:13 p.m.
Once again, the sharp crack of Helga's ruler shattered the
stillness of the empty clinic.
"Und *zat*, Herr Doktor, ist for making us so vorried zick
about you. Poor Wuwu vas in a state, I am tellink you. Vis all of her "Oh,
wherever can the doctor be?" und her "Helga, do you think the Doctor is OK?" und her
"I can't sleep, Helga, I'm so worried about the Doctor," she vaz drivink me to
distraction. Don't you ever do zat to us again!"
"Ouch!" Sucking my stinging fingers, I glared balefully
at Helga. "I was only off base for a couple days! What's the big deal? And will you PLEASE STOP THAT with
the ruler!!!" I instantly regretted raising my voice, as the
echoes reverberating around inside my suddenly-huge skull reminded me of my tender
condition.
Helga's voice dropped a notch, taking on a distinctly menacing
tone. "Don't make me go into zat again, Herr Doktor. It vas three weeks. I can't
help you if you don't remember any of it. Our veelings aside, it ist not proper for a
man of your stature to be seen drunk in the gutter zat way. Vat vould the flyboys think
if they saw you lying der?"
"They'd probably ask if they could join me," I
retorted, "at least the 609 crowd. You haven't seen the way those blokes can put away the gin."
"I zee a crushink hangover has done nothing for your
attitude, Herr Doktor. It is all very well and gut to be talkink to your medical staff zat way,
but you should be more grateful zat I happened to be walking down zat street when I did.
Zat policeman didn't haff as gut a sense of humor as I do."
"Can I help it if he misinterpreted the situation? I swear,
I'd never seen that girl before in my life. And, she told me she was nineteen! Not my
fault her cousins were both underage. Anyway, you didn't have to haul me back here by
the scruff of the neck like that. I'm perfectly capable of walking under my own
power." By way of demonstration, I stood up, closed my eyes and almost came close
to walking across the room, only knocking over one exam table along the way.
Apparently unable to refute that final argument, Helga gave me
one last look that would have curdled milk, then turned on her size-13 heel and
stalked off, muttering something I couldn't quite understand about swine and fighter
pilots. Grateful for the end of Helga's Teutonic tirade, I began rummaging through the
base medical supplies in search of aspirin. Six tablets later, the pounding in
my head subsided and I began to be able to focus both eyes on the same object again.
Time to return to flight duty. A rather nasty telegram from HQ had greeted me up on
my return to the
base, informing me that if I didn't "Get your sorry arse
back in the air and down some sodding Jerries" soon, my flight pay was going to be
terminated. Ahh, well, apparently there was no rest in sight for the Doctor.
I'm back, salty and ready to fight. Please return me top active
duty status ASAP.
Dr. Bones' challenge of Hangten:
"Now turn your
head and cough."
As Hangten reluctantly complied, I reflected that it'd been weeks
since I last flew a combat mission. Fine with me. I was starting to enjoy
having a
few items of clothing that weren't mildewed and salt-stained, to say nothing of the ACSM
going purple with rage every time I lost an airplane. Nope, I was happy here on the
ground taking care of the men of this base. Plus, I was pretty sure I was close to getting Koko
in for
an entirely unnecessary physical.
"Just a minute, Hangten, I need to go get a new tongue
depressor." Ducking quickly out of the exam room, I was halfway to the supply closet when I was
accosted by WuWu.
"Oh, Doctor," she breathed, her chest heaving slightly
under the lab coat. "I was just reading the notices about Clutter's decoration. Isn't it
wonderful? He's so . . . strong and dashing. Imagine, 25 kills!"
"Yes, yes," I muttered irritably. Great. If it wasn't
enough that every trained monkey on the base was chasing WuWu, now she was starting to return the
favor. "But really I don't see what . . ."
"And when are you going to go shoot down some Germans,
Doctor? It seems like you *never* fly combat anymore."
Uh-oh. This had to be nipped in the bud. "Nonsense! I was
just about to challenge Hangten to a dogfight right now, as a matter of fact. Yes, I'm
sure I was!" I stomped back to the exam room, WuWu tottering after me on her seven-inch
surgical heels.
"And that's *NO* way to talk about my nurses, you cad!
There's only one way to deal with an insufferable boor like you, and that's mano a mano, in the
air! I'll see you over the channel!"
"But, but, . . ." Before Hangten could protest further
or even figure out what the hell was going on, I threw his trousers at him and shoved him out the door
of the clinic. "Prepare to defend yourself!" Slamming the door in Hangten's face, I
turned to face WuWu again. "Now, my dear, what were you saying?"
Sorry, Hangten, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made in the
interests of medicine . . . Let me know when you're able to fly. I'm home after 6:30 Pacific
almost any evening, and have weekends generally open too.
Excerpt from Base Medical
Officer's journal
April 24--
Feel compelled to comment on continuing amazement at efficiency of visiting nurse Helga. Far exceeds my expectations and is an invaluable addition to clinic staff. At this moment she is attending to one Beef from the 609 squadron. Patient came in complaining of discomfort in the posterior region and asked if WuWu was available to make an initial examination. As WuWu was busy folding my underwear^H^H^H^H^H^H^H typing reports, asked Helga to provide any necessary care instead. Patient's malady must not have been severe in nature, as upon nurse Helga's entry into exam room, he began to proclaim the pain totally gone and attempted to exit clinic. This is where Nurse Helga's bedside manner really shines. She doesn't take no for an answer, not even "Oh God, please NO!"
Addendum: After much noise and fuss, patient was successfully subjected to removal of one large fishing lure from the inside of the left buttock. How does this sort of thing happen? The medical community may never answer such questions. On further reflection, this is probably a good thing.
Received from Headquarters:
Date: 19 May, 1943
From: Headquarters, RAF Medical Corps
To: Flight Surgeon/Base Medical Officer Lt. Bones, 415th Experimental Operations
Wing
Subject: Audit and Board of Inquiry
Lt. Bones:
It is with extreme reluctance that I inform you your activities of the past year are to be the subject of an Inquiry by this body, to commence immediately pending arrival of our investigators. Numerous complaints have been received by this office regarding procedures performed at your infirmary, especially with regard to the methods of one "Nurse Helga," an unidentified individual whom we cannot verify as being any of the authorized staff assigned to your operations.
The most recent, and in this office's eyes, the serious, of these complaints is the persistent tale that the "Grim Reaper" is often present in your hospital, and that you have been seen to engage in direct discourse with the aforementioned Fell Sergeant and Most Grim Harbinger of Death. It is contrary to the most cherished principles of the medical profession and the RAMC for a base doctor, the preserver of life and health, to be seen in public associating with the Reaper of Souls.
You are hereby ordered to cease and desist all association with Death, to cooperate in full with all requests of said investigators, and to furnish all requested documentation with the utmost dispatch. Any failure to comply with these orders will be regarded with the utmost seriousness, and will have grave consequences.
Yours sincerely,
Colonel Sir Walter Tosspot
Yikes! Looks like the authorities are about to close the noose; we'd better get this match in quickly before they yank my credentials!